


those you've known and lost still walk behind you

by magikarpeggio



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Drabble, F/F, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, One Shot, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 20:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magikarpeggio/pseuds/magikarpeggio
Summary: Eve has regrets.(This is kind of an "aw, fuck" post-finale piece.)





	those you've known and lost still walk behind you

No one tells you that when you make a choice, it never ends there.

You think: I’m at a crossroads; A or B; yes or no; this life or that one. But you think the choice will be over when it’s made, and it never is. 

It’s always there, always being made, every moment, day after day. And this is unbearable. 

So, say – hypothetically – you choose your husband. You choose your best friend. You choose your family, goddammit. You choose the people in your life who have loved you, and okay, have mostly supported you, even if they’ve been a little condescending and overprotective at times. Even if you wonder sometimes if they’d rather the decision were out of your hands entirely. 

Nobody’s perfect. 

But you choose them. You choose the familiar feeling of your husband’s arms around you in the kitchen. You choose the regular sound of his breathing as you lie wide awake in bed next to him at 3 a.m. You choose being reminded to grab a mac, it looks like rain; not to lose your luggage; knowing that someone wants you safe. 

It isn’t the same as knowing that someone wants you. You know that.

So, when she cautiously climbs next to you in bed, you sidle closer. Your mouth is so close to hers that you feel her breath on your cheek. Her eyes are wide and unsure, and so fixed on you that she doesn’t notice as you make your choice, draw the knife out, and slide it into her stomach. 

She cries out and her eyes go dark. Everything is a blur; your hands on her body, her blood, everywhere, and you lose her – she’s gone. 

And it should be over now; you’ve made your choice. You’ve gone home to your husband. You can face your best friend’s wife and child. You’ve punished her and betrayed her and made her hate you and things can go back to being simple again. 

You won’t have to think about her wide eyes or her bright smile. You won’t feel that pull, that tug towards a total stranger, as if you were the only two people in the world at that instant. Your hands remember the curves of her body and you clench your fists. You can think about anything else you want now and it should be liberating but it isn’t.

At night, you wonder what would have happened if, instead of reaching for a knife, you’d put a hand on her waist and placed your mouth on hers.


End file.
